Indolent Soul

Where my emotions are in full swing for no reason and I can’t seem to control them. What the fucking fuck. This sucks and I’m just done with it. I didn’t even have the strength to leave my bed.

Any ideas?

Usually I would be so excited for such beautiful weather but unfortunately I made a stupid mistake the other night and have to wear long sleeves for the next few Weeks.

I’m so fucked. This sucks donkey balls. I’m so pissed off at myself.

my emotions are drained.

What is happening? I can barely function anymore

I’m completely lost in my own mind and I can’t seem to find a way out.

I relapsed. A year and a half clean and I just threw it all away.

And yet I’m still down and full of weird emotions. I don’t like feeling this way and I’m hoping that I’ll be in a better mood after I go to the gym tonight. The gym and exercise always seem to make me a little less depressed.

I need to work on my beach body because I am going to be ripped. No if, ands, or buts.

Because I just can’t seem to handle them like everyone else. These days without my medication have been a whirlwind of emotions and feelings that I’m not used to. I’m not used to feeling sad over the smallest things. I hate that I’m over thinking everything and that I’m dwelling on the possible outcomes in my life. And I hate how I’m terrified of growing up and being an adult. Why do I fear the outcome of my future. Why do I fear the chance of finding love? Why can’t I love myself?

All these things keep running through my head. I’m just not myself lately. I don’t crush on guys I hook up with (except for Evan). I blame it all on not having my medication.

I also blame the feelings of loneliness on the withdrawal of my medication. I can be in a packed room and still feel alone and helpless. Ive been faking these smiles. its just easier to fake happiness than have to explain why im feeling down when I honestly dont know why.

Without my medication my feelings run wild and do whatever they want. It’s just weird. These emotions aren’t normal for me and I don’t like them.

Or is it normal to get that pit in the stomach feeling after you say by to your family. I guess I’m just really close to my family and now that I go to school far away I get this heart breaking feeling inside when I have to say bye to everyone. I’m fine when I’m on my own and I don’t feel homesick when I’m back at school. It’s just when I have to say bye because now I don’t know when I will see them again. I would love to go back to see my cousins Evan and Alex graduate high school but I’ll already be a month in on my full time job and I don’t want to ask for days off so soon.

Maybe I just feel this way because I’ve been off my meds for a few days and won’t have any until the 17th. When I’m off them my emotions are all screwed up and weird and I feel things that I shouldn’t. For example I’ve hooked up with this kid a few times and we’ve been friends for a while and I’ve never had feelings for him before even when we first started hooking up but this last time I swear I thought I dept something but I know it’s just because my emotions are out of whack thanks to not having my medication.

Ugh I hate when my emotions are all heightened and Shit. It’s just not like me to have feelings.